The urge to explain myself to people is so strong at times that it’s nauseating. I’m not doing this because that, I would be doing that but this…I don’t feel particularly ashamed of what i’ve accomplished, but compared to others…at my age I should be miles ahead of where I actually am. It depresses me, especially because of how ambitious I can be—I just feel inadequate at every turn, and my shortcomings seem to get thrown in my face constantly. I’m fucking trying okay? I’m doing the best with what I have but I always feel like everyone is judging me. This is why I try to keep to myself, I just don’t know how to be natural with people without feeling like I need to explain myself away.

I’m fairly clueless. I don’t know how to be with a person, how to react, what to say—because it’s not something i’ve ever had to do. No one looks my way, unless it’s slimy old men telling me what great baby-making hips I have. Average people don’t look at me as anything other than a friend; it’s like I have an invisibilty cloak on or something.

But i’m not dead. There are people I find (or found) attractive, that i’ve had crushes on…and I was rejected each time. Being the sort of person that I am, rejection causes me to clam up…and I feel like maybe i’m just meant to be solitary. My heart never falls for the right person, because it’s a glutton for punishment.

Everything is still a mess, I don’t have a destination in mind; but for once i’m getting ready to make decisions on my own without influence from the people around me. I know what I want, and now I’m doing what I can to make it happen. I’m terrified of course, but a little fear just gets my heart racing.

Omg, the raw sexuality was delicious. It was still tastefully done, but i’m fairly certain that MV will never get airtime.

Driving down to the city, singing Beyonce with my big cousin. Moments like this make me feel close to my family again.

And I have no problem talking about my babies. *addicted*

I know what’s expected of me, I know how it feels to be taken advantage of, but I can’t figure out how to not be bitter about it and move on with my life. I found myself growing bitter, but then I realized what a nasty bitch I was turning into. That’s not me, I don’t want to be old and alone like my aunt is…so I decided to just let go. All the anger, sadness…everything. And it feels amazing. For once in a long time i’m not keeled over with my head between my knees, quietly sobbing through a stress headache, or crying myself to sleep every night because I was so damn sad— for once… there’s peace.

Music is such a huge part of my life, it was always playing in my homes, be it MJ or The Who. My parents, daddy in particular, loved his music and kept all his records and the like downstairs with this big stereo system—nobody was allowed to touch it, but by the time i’d grown curious to mess with it he had already died. It’s funny that I would think of it now; when I went into the basement and fiddled with his records and tapes, nothing ever worked. I always thought it was broken, but sometimes it would turn on suddenly, or my mother or I would go to do the laundry and the record player would be spinning with nothing on it.

My family is very musical—most of us do vocals, and i’ve been singing since I was four or five years old. Singing japanese songs for longer than I can remember, mostly because of anime and my mother was dumbfounded when she found out I could. My love of music, Japanese being my favorite, has only gotten stronger as I’ve aged and I love it. Yes i’m American. Yes i’m African American. But none of that changes how heady Mao’s flithy lyrics are when purred through a good set of headphones; the urge to headbang and scream my lungs out in joy when Kantou Dogeza Kumiai’s first bars are keyed up at a GazettE live; how emotional I get listening to DIM SCENE, or the pure happiness I feel when singing PARADE—the fact that it’s not in English has never mattered, it’s music that gives me joy.

So, either you guys have teleportation devices or i’m generalizing looks in my old age.

rukitty:

jackzo replied to your post: i’m starting to become so lazy that next thing i…

dont you already do that

i should start to tbh

call myself juno and get a hamburger phone

i want one tbh

im not getting pregnant though

even if i wanted to it wouldn’t ever happen

guys mistake me for air, in other words i dont exist

…I still want to make you smile. I have to have faith that it will get better before I just give up—I said I would give this my all, and I meant it.

So soothing.

I need darker, face-covering sunglasses…where do rockstars get those gigantic shades? I have like, five pair of sunglasses and none of them are big enough or dark enough! T_T

I’m seriously dying to see BORN live. I don’t know many of their songs and I haven’t been following them for long, but after watching Stupid Life….it’s something I want to do before I die.

I just want to be needed by someone.